Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
