youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
