The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
