I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Found your dick twin last night
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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