He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
