I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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