great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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