Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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