I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
