great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
