My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
