You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
