Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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