so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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