I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It was confusing and full of hummus
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
