Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
