I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
