I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
