Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
