Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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