She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
