You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
