Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
