i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
