don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
