I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
