When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
