Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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