i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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