you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
