Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
