And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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