i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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