I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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