So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
