So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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