Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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