Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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