Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
ttyl tear gas
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
