you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You're like the curious george of whores
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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