So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
