I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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