Only a mothe r could love this liver
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
