You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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