Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
