So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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