I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
