he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
