so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
