I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
