the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
